Wednesday, February 12, 2014

In Defense of MY Son: Boundaries, Balance, and Boys.

A blog post has been going around recently- which of course, one always is- but this one especially caught my eye as it was titled "In Defense of My Son".  Now, I'm always up for a good blog read.  Always, always up for a good blog read on parenting.  Add in the "son" part and yes, I will click.  I will read.

I was disappointed with the blog though, and have been rather surprised at the mass adoring of it.  And as I can't stop tossing around these pestering thoughts in my mind, I just had to blog them out myself.

To be fair: It's totally obvious that the writer wasn't probably in the best emotional place when she blogged it.  Her "friend" had gone behind her back to another "friend" and had verbally torn her son apart, right after they had had a nice, cozy play date (In defense of my son I probably would have had an uglier reaction than to write a blog post about it.)  So of course, our author is still reeling from the knife being stabbed in her back and goes a bit mommy-wars back as she has to point out that her "friend" only has one child- "ONE FEMALE child" (I think the friendship may need to be over, ladies).

To continue the fairness:  I get what the writer was saying, at its core.  I think she and I could agree at the root of her point- that generally speaking, boys are rougher than girls, rowdier, louder, sure even "wilder" than girls.  But the how of what she said, and the lack of boundaries and balance she seemed to bring to the table left me less than satisfied.

I gotta say, if you're going to write a blog called "In Defense of My Son"- I mean, the DEFENSE of your SON- maybe, just maybe you could do better than, "He's a 4-year-old BOY! Of course he's a wild, crazy a-hole!"

Really??  THAT is the defense of your son?? Of course he's an a-hole???  Wow.  Well then.

Beyond that, here are my main concerns with the blog:

I really do NOT like when in these types of issues we decide that boys=this and girls=that.  This blog makes it seem like boys= wild, crazy a-holes, and girls= Rainbow Loom for 3 hours.  Actually, the blog doesn't make it seem like that- that's pretty much exactly what she says.

Let me tell you right now,  as a little girl, I would chase my brothers with snakes through the yard.  Snakes.  Live snakes.  I would eat worms.  I LOVED the mud and a good tree-climbing challenge.  Don't assume just because someone has one female child that they play Rainbow Loom for 3 hours.   Please don't be so naive and sexist.

Also, not all boys are wild and crazy.  Yes, GENERALLY speaking boys have certain tendencies, but this is not the impression our author gives.  She even says, "It's not like he did anything different than any other pre-school boy would do."  I've worked in a pre-school, day care, and elementary school.  Boys do NOT all act the same.  Some I dare say would play Rainbow Loom for 3 hours.  Some could not stay in their seat for more than 5 minutes.  Most though, had a balance between these two.

Balance- that is my next concern with this blog.  Where is the balance??  So to be all boy means you're a wild and crazy a-hole?  Because boys are often born liking cars they are just destined to act insane??  Yes, it makes sense that as a boy at 6 months old her son liked to throw blocks at people's heads.  It also makes sense that a boundary be drawn and this behavior be taught as not acceptable.  My son loves taking a stacked tower of blocks and knocking them over to crash on the floor.  I view this as acceptable boy-ish behavior.  But if he tried to chuck a block at someone's head I'm not going to sit back and say "boys will be boys".  The author of the blog post, though she never says throwing blocks at heads IS ok, does seem to give the impression that that's just what boys do and who they are.  And she never draws the balance and boundaries between the tendencies and the behavior.  She points out that while her son didn't hit or bite his friend, "he saves that for his sister".   Again, is this supposed to be okay then?  Funny?  

We can't all just be who we are born to be and have a free ride on our tendencies.  Generally speaking, girls can have some interesting tendencies as well that we hopefully try to curtail.  

Though I don't agree with all the affirmation this blog post has gotten, I do understand why so many moms of sons have embraced it.  It's nice to know other moms are going through what you're going through.  It's nice to know your kid isn't the only one who does certain things.  It's nice to feel affirmed.  

But we cannot let that blind us to seeing that this blog post was more than just poorly, crassly written- it's a sad excuse to me of an explanation of a boy.  Of who a boy is.  Of who we should expect a boy to be.

Not wild, crazy a-holes.

You see, we're not just raising boys- we're raising men, and hopefully, gentlemen.  Yes, I want my son to be able to embrace his boyhood as honorably as he can, and be able to have fun and be loud and get rowdy, but while maintaining manners and character and decency.  Can there be a balance here?  Can we raise the expectation a bit, and cast aside the "boys will be boys" lowering of the bar?  
Because "men will be men" also, right?  Don't we use that excuse too to brush aside crass, inappropriate, downright wrong behavior in grown men?  Let's not.  Let's not do it to the male gender at any stage.  

I'm not saying our boys have to play Rainbow Loom for 3 hours.  Or can't be loud, messy, fun-loving lil guys.  All I'm asking for is balance and boundaries... greater expectations... and maybe some better choice of words to describe our sons.







1 comment:

  1. Wow, thanks for sharing! I had not seen the other lady's post before but I clicked on your link to read it before reading yours. Oh. My. Goodness. I appreciate your sentiments ... there is a huge difference between my son and my two daughters, and I believe that is God-given (I'm talking guns and superheroes vs. hair bows and dolls). But all three can be wild and crazy, and all three are 100% responsible for their actions! You are so right; boundaries must be set. I take Samuel to the YMCA and let him run in the gym or let him play outside, and I literally tell him to yell and "get it all out". But once we are done, he is expected to be a gentleman - to have control over his body, to show respect to others, etc. I'm glad to hear other moms feel the same way in light of the other lady's unfortunate mistake in the way she views her children. :-)

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