So here's the story...

This past summer my hubby and I officially decided to start trying for a baby.  Awkward phrase?  Yes.

And as we started this process, I was one of those this-will-be-tons-of-fun and I-will-get-pregnant-right-away types. Literally.  I was convinced we'd get pregnant on the first attempt.

That didn't happen, and sheesh was I crushed.  What a unique pain to realize that the "attempt" was a fail; and there was for sure no prego ego.

But after google-ing and figuring out exactly what we needed to do differently, my hopes were high again as round 2 came up.

And again, nope.

Round 3?  Uh, no.

And 4....  nope.

And of course, each month I had different reasons for being pretty expectant that I was expecting.  Every time, I was wrong.

This was getting less fun.  This was getting to be work... and math, and when was the science gonna kick in??

So as this journey went on my frustrations grew.  I believed in my mind and said with my mouth that God was in control and for goodness sake's it was none of my business to tell Him when to make a life.  But deep down I knew I had a plan, I had a timeline and none of this was matching up.

It didn't make it any easier when at the grocery store a teenage girl was buying a pregnancy test and giggling with her friends about how she was so excited that she thought she was pregnant.

Frustration increased.  I told my husband "I'm so tired of this roller coaster ride... every month it's up and down and then the next month it's alllll over again!!"

And then the end of October my pastor preached a sermon that I blogged about because it impacted me so deeply.  The title that popped up on the power point, "Ride the Roller Coaster, Trust the Designer", mine as well have said "Emily, this sermon is for you so listen up!".  My pastor talked about everything I already knew... that life is a roller coaster and when we give our highs and lows to God they even out.  He read a ton of awesome Scripture.  At the end we all stood for the invitation time, and next thing I knew, I couldn't stand.  I was sobbing sitting in the pew being under deeper conviction then I've ever experienced before.  And I prayed and apologized and felt such sweetness in my faith... it was unreal.  It was priceless.  It was God.

And as I prayed... I needed less and less words.  I could literally feel God take the baby burden from me and replace it with such peace.... peace that passed my understanding.

Right after the service was over, as I was still wiping my blotchy eyes, another couple in the church came over and started chatting and shared that they were about to work on starting a family.  An hour ago that would have hit my heart and brought the discouragement waves a comin'.  Instead, I inwardly smiled and thought "Sorry Satan, this battle's done.  Go pick on somebody else!" :)

That next week I actually kept forgetting that I needed to be tracking certain things and what-not to get ready for attempt #5.  Jason says I was like a different person.  I was.  The things I believed in my head and said with my mouth where now a part of my soul and deep in my heart.  God had it... my plan was handed over... complete trust in Him was truly in me.

If I were God, I'd look at me and smirk and say "Yeah... we'll see how much you mean this.  Let's give it another year and see if you pass the test."

Thankfully, I'm not God:)

And God, in His kindness... in His mercy... in His grace... let us have a "successful" attempt #5.  Just a few weeks later we took the at-home pregnancy test and were so thrilled at the precious plus sign!

I can with deep conviction say that if we hadn't seen that plus sign, it would have been okay.  My boat would not have been rocked because Jesus was Captain, and I was no longer telling Him how to drive.

Isn't God amazing??

Oh, and here is the link to my baby blog... I've been working on it for several weeks, starting it secretly since Baby Hart was still a secret to everyone else.  Now it's finally a public blog!  Too exciting:):)

http://baby-step-by-step.blogspot.com/